Breakups hurt. So, with January being a prime month for breakups, according to some very unscientific internet lore, American Heart Association News checked in with serious academic experts about how to cope.
A breakup can hit mental health “pretty hard,” said Dr. Galena Rhoades, a research professor of psychology at the University of Denver. The feelings can be akin to grief.
“I think that’s how a lot of people describe a breakup, even if it’s one that they asked for or that they know may be the right decision for them,” said Rhoades, who directs the school’s Institute for Relationship Science. A breakup affects you in the present as you deal with feelings that can range from loss to betrayal, she said, while it also alters your sense of the future as you re-envision the trajectory of your life without your ex.
“Sometimes there are experiences that are a little bit akin to post-traumatic stress disorder,” she said, where people cope with intrusive thoughts or being panicky about seeing somebody in certain situations.
Dr. Paul Eastwick, a psychology professor at the University of California, Davis, said a breakup is also “deeply physiological.”
The accompanying stress sets off the “fight or flight” response. “The body is panicking, and it’s doing it over an extended period of time,” said Eastwick, who runs the Attraction and Relationships Research Laboratory at UC Davis. Chronic stress has been linked to heart issues.
A breakup also can trigger anxiety or depression, he said, and people can lose sleep, which is an important component of heart health. At the same time, he said, it can take away the support structure that comes from a caring relationship.
And if someone calls their split painful, it might be literal. In one study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in 2011, researchers using functional MRI found that when people who recently experienced an unwanted breakup viewed a photo of their ex and thought about being rejected, parts of the brain related to physical pain became active.
Some researchers would distinguish between the type of breakup a young adult might experience in their dating era and what older couples experience in the dissolution of a marriage, Eastwick said. He sees them as different in degree, but not in kind, with divorce being a “more high-intensity, high-octane version.”
A divorce has more complications, from dividing property to comforting children, if the couple has any. But while older people might look back on youthful relationships and think they’re simpler, Eastwick said, “it is often dealing with many of the same things.” At any age, there are still issues such as shared friends or “a shared sense of self that you don’t have anymore.”
But if you or a friend are hurting from a breakup, certain choices can be made to boost one’s health, Eastwick and Rhoades said.
Write your own story
“The narrative-making process is very important with any kind of loss,” Eastwick said. With a breakup or divorce, “people commonly have to get to a place with their exes where they don’t want the person back, but also they aren’t filled with rage anymore, right? There’s this delicate balance.”
Therapy can help shape that story. So can writing in a journal, which Rhoades called a good way for people to take stock of their emotions and find ways to move forward.
“It’s probably most helpful to focus on the positives after a breakup,” Rhoades said. That might involve looking back and asking, “What did I learn from this relationship that I want to do differently in my next relationship?” Or it might just mean focusing on what went well.
Let yourself feel some of the “softer” feelings that tend to come first, like sadness, loss or disappointment, she said. “Thoughts of revenge or angry feelings don’t typically help us move forward all that well.”
Get together and get active
“This is an especially important time to rely on our social networks and support systems,” Rhoades said. So ask for help. “Lean on friends, lean on family.”
Use them as sounding boards and look for things to do together, she said. Research shows that planning enjoyable activities and doing them, even if they don’t appeal as they normally would, can help combat depression.
Ideally, try to be around “people who are close to you, who care about you,” Eastwick said, because they can be a buffer against stress. Even being around acquaintances is probably better than spending a lot of time alone, he said.
Be a good friend
If you’re the friend being leaned on, you can provide some specific types of help, Rhoades said. One is planning outings – shopping, a basketball game or whatever healthy activities you like to do together.
Just checking in is also helpful, she said. “One of the things that happens after a breakup, especially in a more serious relationship, is that people often say, ‘Now, nobody knows what I’m doing.'” Not having a partner keeping tabs on you “can feel like its own challenge, in a way, and add an extra layer of loneliness.”
Being a good friend also means being a good listener, Rhoades said. Pay attention to what your friend is saying. Don’t be dismissive of their pain, but validate their feelings and ask questions that help them think about what they’re going through at a deeper level.
That can require patience and strategy, Eastwick said.
Sometimes, right after a breakup, a friend will say, “‘I’m here. Let’s talk about it.’ And what you don’t realize is that you’re going to get tired of hearing the same story after the second or third time, but that person needs to tell it 25 times.”
He suggested enlisting a network of friends to distribute the load.
Don’t overindulge
Drowning your sorrows in a gallon of ice cream or a fifth of liquor is a post-breakup cliché. Avoid that, Rhoades and Eastwick advised. Sweets and alcohol do stimulate the reward system in our brains that makes us feel better, but only in the short term.
And if the drinking becomes excessive, it can increase the risk of many health problems, including high blood pressure, stroke, breast cancer, liver disease and depression.
Rhoades puts the idea of “rebound promiscuity” in the same category. It’s something that can feel good immediately but can cause longer-term problems.
“I think there can be consequences of jumping into a new relationship or situationship, as my teenagers would say, because it can get you entangled in something” that wasn’t intentional and isn’t right for you.
Take time to reflect
“People often have a stereotype of breakups as being very clean,” Eastwick said, as if “there’s a moment when it’s on, and then there’s a moment when it’s over.” In reality, it can be a slow, on-again, off-again process. As that plays out, “people have to go through a period where they feel pretty terrible about the whole thing,” he said.
Afterward, people grasp for meaning, but most don’t suddenly have a eureka moment a few days later and then feel fine.
“Ultimately, a lot of times what people need is time,” Eastwick said.
The good news for the newly single is that time really can heal things. One study of college students, published in Emerging Adulthood last fall, suggested that most of them recovered from breakup-related depressive symptoms within three months. With divorce, researchers found that most emotional distress dissipated within five years, and in some cases, mental health improved from what it had been.
But Rhoades said the fear of pain from a breakup often leads people back into relationships that aren’t necessarily healthy. Or, as she puts it, “it’s a time when people can slide and not decide.”
She encourages people to make conscious choices rather than act out of avoidance. “I think a breakup should be intentional, and the follow-through on a breakup should be intentional,” she said.
Eastwick said that forming new relationships can be a healthy way to get over a broken one. But the limited research that’s been done in this area, he said, suggests that “a longer time off is associated with that newer relationship being a little better.”
Rhoades said a period of reflection is important because people tend to repeat patterns in relationships. “If you cheated in your last relationship, you’re more likely to cheat in your next relationship. If you were cheated on in your last relationship, you’re more likely to be cheated on in your next relationship, which is just so sad.”
So, she said, the period after a breakup can be an important time to take stock and ask, “What have I learned about myself? What do I want to take with me that worked in this relationship and that I would like to see in another relationship? And what are the things that I want to make sure I do differently?”
Taking time to process things, Rhoades said, “is really helpful to not only feeling better, but also really learning from the experience.”
2025 American Heart Association, Inc., distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC
Citation:
Advice for staying well during a breakup era (2025, January 23)
retrieved 23 January 2025
from https://medicalxpress.com/news/2025-01-advice-staying-breakup-era.html
This document is subject to copyright. Apart from any fair dealing for the purpose of private study or research, no
part may be reproduced without the written permission. The content is provided for information purposes only.
Breakups hurt. So, with January being a prime month for breakups, according to some very unscientific internet lore, American Heart Association News checked in with serious academic experts about how to cope. A breakup can hit mental health “pretty hard,” said Dr. Galena Rhoades, a research professor of psychology at the University of Denver. The feelings can be akin to grief. “I think that’s how a lot of people describe a breakup, even if it’s one that they asked for or that they know may be the right decision for them,” said Rhoades, who directs the school’s Institute for Relationship Science. A breakup affects you in the present as you deal with feelings that can range from loss to betrayal, she said, while it also alters your sense of the future as you re-envision the trajectory of your life without your ex. “Sometimes there are experiences that are a little bit akin to post-traumatic stress disorder,” she said, where people cope with intrusive thoughts or being panicky about seeing somebody in certain situations. Dr. Paul Eastwick, a psychology professor at the University of California, Davis, said a breakup is also “deeply physiological.” The accompanying stress sets off the “fight or flight” response. “The body is panicking, and it’s doing it over an extended period of time,” said Eastwick, who runs the Attraction and Relationships Research Laboratory at UC Davis. Chronic stress has been linked to heart issues. A breakup also can trigger anxiety or depression, he said, and people can lose sleep, which is an important component of heart health. At the same time, he said, it can take away the support structure that comes from a caring relationship. And if someone calls their split painful, it might be literal. In one study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in 2011, researchers using functional MRI found that when people who recently experienced an unwanted breakup viewed a photo of their ex and thought about being rejected, parts of the brain related to physical pain became active. Some researchers would distinguish between the type of breakup a young adult might experience in their dating era and what older couples experience in the dissolution of a marriage, Eastwick said. He sees them as different in degree, but not in kind, with divorce being a “more high-intensity, high-octane version.” A divorce has more complications, from dividing property to comforting children, if the couple has any. But while older people might look back on youthful relationships and think they’re simpler, Eastwick said, “it is often dealing with many of the same things.” At any age, there are still issues such as shared friends or “a shared sense of self that you don’t have anymore.” But if you or a friend are hurting from a breakup, certain choices can be made to boost one’s health, Eastwick and Rhoades said. “The narrative-making process is very important with any kind of loss,” Eastwick said. With a breakup or divorce, “people commonly have to get to a place with their exes where they don’t want the person back, but also they aren’t filled with rage anymore, right? There’s this delicate balance.” Therapy can help shape that story. So can writing in a journal, which Rhoades called a good way for people to take stock of their emotions and find ways to move forward. “It’s probably most helpful to focus on the positives after a breakup,” Rhoades said. That might involve looking back and asking, “What did I learn from this relationship that I want to do differently in my next relationship?” Or it might just mean focusing on what went well. Let yourself feel some of the “softer” feelings that tend to come first, like sadness, loss or disappointment, she said. “Thoughts of revenge or angry feelings don’t typically help us move forward all that well.” “This is an especially important time to rely on our social networks and support systems,” Rhoades said. So ask for help. “Lean on friends, lean on family.” Use them as sounding boards and look for things to do together, she said. Research shows that planning enjoyable activities and doing them, even if they don’t appeal as they normally would, can help combat depression. Ideally, try to be around “people who are close to you, who care about you,” Eastwick said, because they can be a buffer against stress. Even being around acquaintances is probably better than spending a lot of time alone, he said. If you’re the friend being leaned on, you can provide some specific types of help, Rhoades said. One is planning outings – shopping, a basketball game or whatever healthy activities you like to do together. Just checking in is also helpful, she said. “One of the things that happens after a breakup, especially in a more serious relationship, is that people often say, ‘Now, nobody knows what I’m doing.'” Not having a partner keeping tabs on you “can feel like its own challenge, in a way, and add an extra layer of loneliness.” Being a good friend also means being a good listener, Rhoades said. Pay attention to what your friend is saying. Don’t be dismissive of their pain, but validate their feelings and ask questions that help them think about what they’re going through at a deeper level. That can require patience and strategy, Eastwick said. Sometimes, right after a breakup, a friend will say, “‘I’m here. Let’s talk about it.’ And what you don’t realize is that you’re going to get tired of hearing the same story after the second or third time, but that person needs to tell it 25 times.” He suggested enlisting a network of friends to distribute the load. Drowning your sorrows in a gallon of ice cream or a fifth of liquor is a post-breakup cliché. Avoid that, Rhoades and Eastwick advised. Sweets and alcohol do stimulate the reward system in our brains that makes us feel better, but only in the short term. And if the drinking becomes excessive, it can increase the risk of many health problems, including high blood pressure, stroke, breast cancer, liver disease and depression. Rhoades puts the idea of “rebound promiscuity” in the same category. It’s something that can feel good immediately but can cause longer-term problems. “I think there can be consequences of jumping into a new relationship or situationship, as my teenagers would say, because it can get you entangled in something” that wasn’t intentional and isn’t right for you. “People often have a stereotype of breakups as being very clean,” Eastwick said, as if “there’s a moment when it’s on, and then there’s a moment when it’s over.” In reality, it can be a slow, on-again, off-again process. As that plays out, “people have to go through a period where they feel pretty terrible about the whole thing,” he said. Afterward, people grasp for meaning, but most don’t suddenly have a eureka moment a few days later and then feel fine. “Ultimately, a lot of times what people need is time,” Eastwick said. The good news for the newly single is that time really can heal things. One study of college students, published in Emerging Adulthood last fall, suggested that most of them recovered from breakup-related depressive symptoms within three months. With divorce, researchers found that most emotional distress dissipated within five years, and in some cases, mental health improved from what it had been. But Rhoades said the fear of pain from a breakup often leads people back into relationships that aren’t necessarily healthy. Or, as she puts it, “it’s a time when people can slide and not decide.” She encourages people to make conscious choices rather than act out of avoidance. “I think a breakup should be intentional, and the follow-through on a breakup should be intentional,” she said. Eastwick said that forming new relationships can be a healthy way to get over a broken one. But the limited research that’s been done in this area, he said, suggests that “a longer time off is associated with that newer relationship being a little better.” Rhoades said a period of reflection is important because people tend to repeat patterns in relationships. “If you cheated in your last relationship, you’re more likely to cheat in your next relationship. If you were cheated on in your last relationship, you’re more likely to be cheated on in your next relationship, which is just so sad.” So, she said, the period after a breakup can be an important time to take stock and ask, “What have I learned about myself? What do I want to take with me that worked in this relationship and that I would like to see in another relationship? And what are the things that I want to make sure I do differently?” Taking time to process things, Rhoades said, “is really helpful to not only feeling better, but also really learning from the experience.” 2025 American Heart Association, Inc., distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC Citation: This document is subject to copyright. Apart from any fair dealing for the purpose of private study or research, no
Write your own story
Get together and get active
Be a good friend
Don’t overindulge
Take time to reflect
Advice for staying well during a breakup era (2025, January 23)
retrieved 23 January 2025
from https://medicalxpress.com/news/2025-01-advice-staying-breakup-era.html
part may be reproduced without the written permission. The content is provided for information purposes only.
