Just when bitcoin and crypto and NFTs were finally being taken seriously with imminent mAsS aDopTiOn an inevitability as we headed for blockchain-based utopia, someone goes and puts something like this on the internet:
Talk about a party pooper.
Yes that’s an 18 minute 35 second presentation of “the world’s first physical crypto island” which frankly is giving us quite uncanny déjà vu vibes but we just can’t work out what it reminds us of. Whatever it was, we’re sure it all worked out great.
In case you don’t have 18 minutes and 35 seconds to spare, we thought we’d take you through some of it. First the essentials (transcribed from the video):
Cryptoland is an international hub for the community to come work, live, and have fun, and enjoy a first-class crypto lifestyle.
A paradise island with a complete ecosystem that represents the blooming crypto space.
A paradise made by crypto enthusiasts for crypto enthusiasts.
If that doesn’t sound like paradise to you are you even alive?
Cryptoland, we’re told, will have three main areas: Cryptoland Bay, House of DAO, and the Blockchain Hills which feature a members-only bar called the Vladimir Club:
The Vladimir Club was the part where we thought, “oh, perhaps this is a joke” but then realised it wasn’t. Earlier in the clip we are shown a fairly well-known strong-jawed crypto Chad named Kyle Chassé (yeah) who tells us:
If they didn’t have the video, if they didn’t have the architectural plans, if they didn’t have the purchase agreement already done for the island, if they didn’t have the master plan for the government of Fiji already signed off, if they hadn’t spent half a million dollars of their own money getting all of this stuff done already, then I wouldn’t have been interested.
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS!?! Architectural plans? A video? Think we can all agree we need to take this seriously at this point. And yes, the island in question seems to be in Fiji — its name is Nananu-i-cake. The Next Web has more detail if you’d like it.
For instance, did you know that Cryptoland is going to feature 60 parcels of land you can “buy” via NFTs and build mansions on? Or that the total area of this vast island is 0.9375 square miles? Or the fact that it already has some inhabitants? Perhaps it might interest you that the founders plan to fund the whole thing (apart from their very generous $500k injection) via the sale of digital receipts that they reckon they can flog for about $1m a pop?
(You can also read this excellent thread by a software engineer called Molly White who was the first to draw attention to this, and features some interesting information about the co-founders.)
Back to the video. An unspecified crypto bro responds to Chassé:
That’s incredible. This is by far one of the most ambitious projects I’ve seen. And what I am easily the most excited for. I’m gonna do everything in my power to make sure I get one of these lots. I highly recommend you go watch this — look at the quality of this 3D animation.
They’re really basing a lot of belief in a new magical land on the quality of the animation aren’t they? To be fair, it’s actually several orders of magnitude better than the animation that the $924bn company formerly known as Facebook spent on its Cleggtopian vision of the future.
We don’t know how much the video cost but it’s kind of reminding us of this other thing where all the money was spent on the promo video and there was none left for the actual thing being promoted and actually the thing being promoted never came to exist, but again, we can’t quite recall what that thing was.
The coolest thing is that the Brodom of Cryptoland has always just been this wonderful concept in our collective minds, a place where everyone (well OK maybe not everyone but at least the Y-chromosomed) drives around in lambos and eats meat-only diets and makes really funny crypto in-jokes and women are basically just really lovely accessories who live lovely lives doing things like working at reception and just generally being pleasant to look at and now the Brodom of Cryptoland, unlike that other thing, actually exists. OK maybe not quite yet, but it will soon. Definitely.
One thing that Cryptoland seems to care less about is the age of sexual consent:
That particular tweet has since been deleted.
A part of us still doesn’t actually believe this is a serious project. The native coin of Cryptoland is Connie. Ticker name, presumably, $CON. In the animated video game arcade we are shown, one of the games is called “Ponzi Connect”. But if this is just a giant troll, isn’t it a bit . . . elaborate?
Maybe it’s a parody; maybe it’s a scam; maybe it’s the future we all deserve. Who cares? Nothing matters. Nothing is real. The entire economy is Cryptoland.