Dear Vix,
I really want to meet someone long-term to hopefully build a family with, one day, and I am feeling really positive and good about myself at the moment. However, everyone I meet through dating apps seems to be a let-down – what is wrong with men? Some guys seem interesting, interested and charismatic and message for maybe two weeks, hinting at some sort of future, and then disappear when I try to meet up. To combat this, I decided to play a numbers game, so I met up with three people in three days as soon as I matched with them – rather than becoming pen-pals. This didn’t work either: one asked me just one question about myself in two hours, another was horribly handsy on arrival, and one was so bland I can’t really remember any detail.
I am getting sick of sending messages saying, “I didn’t feel a spark”. For some reason, the men I meet don’t pick up on the vibe that I am not interested – even when I leave after an hour (I try to keep it short and sweet!). The people I do Iike on apps seem to disappear or dilly-dally when I suggest meeting; or we meet once, have an electrifying time – and then their interest wanes. The ones I am really attracted to are the worst of all of them! Vix, how can I find the man of my dreams? I’ve worked hard to keep the flame of hope alive – how can I keep it alight when men can be so lukewarm?
Lovesick, 34, Whitby Bay
Dear Lovesick,
If I had an easy answer to your question, I’d be a famed woodland witch living in a remote gothic castle, far from here, in luxurious surrounds; receiving visitors for whom I would gaze into the black smoke wafting from my cauldron and offer them love elixirs in return for jewels, or wine, or books. But I am only half-witch, and sadly do not live in a castle – just Omicron-infused London, where the experience of dating can be similarly lukewarm (verging on stone cold).
From your email, it sounds to me like you’ve encountered some classic dating stereotypes – from the “f**kboy” (or the slightly milder version, the “softboi”, as described by a colleague here) to the outright sleaze. Let’s take a closer look in a bid to figure it all out.
First, you mention the phenomenon of the man who seems keen on getting to know you for two weeks and then disappears: both men and women do this (show enthusiasm followed by a period of ghosting) and I think many are closet avoidants. They may hold fast to a philosophy of, “the grass is greener”, or, “I don’t want to commit”; but I often wonder if in fact they’re scared of intimacy, and suspicious of the opposite sex – who they believe may try to force something on them they’re not ready for (they may also have been scorned or rejected in the past).
In your case, you’ve met men who promise the world – and they may even genuinely mean it, in the instant that they say it – but then a case of cold feet sets in. And so these men (or women) allow themselves to get bored or distracted by friends or by another pretty person they don’t quite have to get to know. They disappear, because in truth they can’t handle the messy reality of living up to that world of promises and risk – of having to actually make an effort.
People who do this repeatedly, I think, may suffer from one (or both) of these issues: emotional immaturity (which leads to avoidance of intimate situations outside of sex) and the concept of “false abundance”. They convince themselves there will always be hotter, better options out there, which there will – after all, the world is vast and varied and vibrant – but it’s really because sticking with one option long enough to fall in love feels too dangerous. It threatens their carefully-constructed sense of self, and security.
Some people are so frightened of being truly intimate or vulnerable with someone, or of getting “trapped” into a relationship in which they fear they will become suffocated and bored, that they intentionally avoid spending time with someone who might become special. And the trouble with dating online is that a lot of people don’t actually have any intention at all of meeting someone in person, or in finding something “real”: they don’t know how. They just like the potential of romance, and the comforting boost to their ego.
I think the concept of apps themselves are often to blame: because when you see something as scarce, or rare, you attach more value to it. But dating apps provide the very opposite of scarcity – they promote the illusion of abundance. If there were fewer options on display, we’d probably all take more care to consider those options more carefully. But when you can simply “unmatch” or swipe left and be confronted with a plethora of decent alternatives, you forget what was so good about the original. It’s a bit like the way our scattered brains flit from Netflix shows to our phones, from films to box sets. We have so much choice that we forget to notice people’s value.
I also fear that in the first two weeks that you describe, the “hunt” or “chase” intrigue is high – but as soon as you show interest in return, the “competition” element fades for certain daters. While many would pursue an initial chemistry in the hope of deepening a connection; men (or women) who are commitment-shy – or who see matches as “disposable” – won’t do this (Annie Lord, writing in Vogue, explores this notion particularly well in her column, here).
The thing is: there’s really nothing you can do, because everyone has to decide on their own terms when they’re ready for intimacy. You can’t force it on someone. So, by all means have fun (the irony is that people like this are great for fun) but guard your heart and recognise it’ll likely only ever be casual.
As for the other types: the guy who asked you one question in two hours; well, I recognise him too – and I’m betting so do many readers. I’ve been on far too many dates where it’s been left to me to ask questions and carry the conversation; one guy even invited me to meet him in a graveyard in lockdown 1.0 (don’t ask, it’s the witch thing) and then spent the entire two hours talking solidly about the death metal scene in Milan. He left knowing only my first name. I left anonymously, like Zorro.
Of course, people can be forgiven if they’re nervous: we all tend to talk fast or babble if we’re anxious, and there’s not much more anxiety-inducing than a first date. But if they don’t follow up with any questions for you at all; don’t realise they are dominating the conversation (and apologise for it, and tell you they want to find out much more about you on date two) then they’re really not worth your polite and undivided attention. They may even be narcissists – there are some about.
A note of caution: it might be worth taking a look at how well you communicate your own boundaries – and analyse whether you tend to people-please in a one-on-one situation. If all your dates are leaving thinking you’re madly in love with them, when you actually couldn’t wait to get away, then you may have to look at how clearly you’re expressing your own interests, needs and desires, and whether you could (and should) be more forthright. Communication is key. Never be afraid of stating what you are looking for, what you want and what you don’t want; even from the outset.
As for how you find the “man of your dreams” – it’s not easy, but it is simple: keep faith. Hold your head up high, show willing (I’m proud of you for ring-fencing your dates by keeping them to an hour – more people should do this) but crucially: don’t accept crumbs. Know your worth, and refuse to settle for anything less than someone who proves they deserve your time and investment. Keep busy in the interim, pursue your own dreams, be selective and do as much dating as serves you. If it starts bringing you down, put it on pause for a while until you feel ready to try again.
Romantic connection should add joy to your life – not take it away. You’re doing everything right and you’re in a good, positive, healthy place of openness. You’ve done the groundwork – on yourself – the rest is just a matter of time, timing and a dollop of good luck. I’ll whisper an extra spell into my cauldron for you.
Victoria Richards is The Independent’s advice columnist. Having problems with work, love, family or friends? Contact DearVix@independent.co.uk