Broadcast Retirement Network’s Jeffrey Snyder discusses the biggest mistakes – financially and emotionally – that people make during a divorce with Jacobson Mediation Group’s Alex Jacobson.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Alex, it’s so great to see you. Thanks for joining us and Happy New Year to you.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
Happy New Year to you. Thanks for having me back.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Oh, we’re talking jokingly, but it really isn’t a joke that January really is divorce month. Does it strike you as interesting?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
You know, it is true. Divorce filings are generally speaking up in January. People go through the holiday season.
It’s high stress time. They’re traveling with their family. They’re, you know, eating a lot of dinners together with family.
And a lot of people at the end of that time period say to themselves, I’m not doing that again next year. New year, new me, resolutions for the new year ahead.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
And so your phone must be buzzing nonstop.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
It is, January is a busy time for me.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Yeah, well, I guess that’s good for you, of course. And maybe it’s good for, and we’ll talk about this. It’s probably good for the couples as well.
So with that in mind, you were on a very successful mediation practice where you help couples kind of resolve their differences and kind of get to that next step. But there have to be mistakes that people make along the way. And if there are, what are some of those mistakes?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
So first I would say that, and we’ve spoken about it before on the show, it’s really important to get your team together. This is a really scary, important time making big decisions about things that you may or may not have the deep knowledge to make the decision about. So get your team together, get your divorce lawyer, get your mental health professional, get your financial advisor, get your business expert, get somebody to help you understand what creating a budget is like so that you can make smart decisions in your divorce.
So again, the first thing that people often put by the wayside and think I can do this on my own is that they forget to get their team together. The second thing I would say is holding onto stuff. People get tied to the bricks and mortar of their home, the stuff within their home, these emotional ties that at the end of the day, it is just stuff and it may be better for you to get a new home, to get rid of the stuff and to start fresh.
And so have an open mind and in approaching the process in that way. And then the last point that I would say is leaving room for new tradition. People often hold onto the, I always had Christmas Eve with my family or we always spent 4th of July by the water.
There needs to be room for new tradition because your family is going to be in a different form. You may or may not have your kids on a particular holiday and that’s okay. You can learn to create new traditions that could be better for them.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Alex, I mean, these obviously are important pieces of advice, but as you’re talking, what I’m thinking about is whenever I don’t wanna change and I wanna hang on to the past, I’m afraid, I’m afraid for the future. How much is not going, finding the right advisor or right team? How much are these mistakes based on just fear of the unknown?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
I think it very, so much of it is fear of the unknown. You’ve become used to this lifestyle with a partner in your home, helping you with the day-to-day routines, helping you with budgeting, helping you with finances, managing the kids and the idea of transitioning to something new where that partner isn’t going to be there or is gonna be there in a totally different capacity is scary. And so making sure you have your advisors around you to help you make those decisions and make it less scary.
Knowledge is power.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Yeah, you sound like the Schoolhouse Rock commercials when I was a kid. Let me ask you about, you mentioned children. Does that add an additional layer to the work that you do as a mediator, but also this process?
Because depending on the age of your children, I have to think that you have a different perspective versus grown adult age children versus younger adolescents.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
Absolutely, I mean, when we’re talking about kids that are three and four years old, a parenting schedule is very different than we’re talking about teens who are 16 years old and can drive themselves here, there and everywhere. And we need to be mindful of that when creating a parenting schedule to make sure that it’s tailored to the needs of that family. And it’s important to ask questions.
It’s important to think through the day-to-day lives for your kids to make sure you’re creating that parenting agreement that suits them.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
And you gotta have the team in place, Alex, but how much is, I’m gonna call it divorce literacy. Is that important? Meaning in order to hire the team, you gotta have a little bit understanding, get an education about what does divorce mean?
What’s the process? How much is that a part of this process?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
It is a part of the process, but I think it’s also a part of finding the right lawyer that suits you. If you need a lot of handholding, it’s important that you find that divorce attorney that’s gonna really put their hand on your back, hold your hand and guide you through the process, making sure they’ve answered every question that you have. Most people, it’s the first time going through the process and they may or may not even know what questions to ask.
And so making sure you have the right personality fit for your team is critical.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
And to find that person to represent you, do you go to family and, I guess you can go to one half of your family, I guess. You go to, in all seriousness, but who do you go to? I mean, do you go to the American Bar Association?
Do you go to the local chapter? How do I find that person? And what works for one friend, they may have a completely different personality than you, you really need to touch a little bit.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
Exactly, divorce lawyers are not all created equal. And from my perspective, the best place to go is your trusted advisors. Go to your friends, go to your family, go to your financial advisor.
And then if needed, go to your local chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers or the Bar Association. You will find the right fit for you, the right price point, the right personality, and the person who’s gonna help you through the process in the best way possible.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Alex, my last question, and I wanna get you to wrap everything up for us, but does this have to be a tenuous process? I mean, I know people can disagree. We often have arguments with our significant others, but does it have to be, does there come a point of realization that this is a reality and you don’t have to be acrimonious in your final act together as a couple?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
I mean, that would be the best case scenario is that two people can come together and recognize, hey, we’re not working out as a married couple. Let’s do the best we can to financially disentangle ourselves, to change our co-parenting relationship to that of co-parents and not spouses, and make it less acrimonious. Regrettably, that’s not always the case.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Yeah, I mean, just listen to us talk about that. I’ve never been through it, but I’m nervous just talking about it. Because it just sounds like a lot of change.
And you’re stepping out on a limb that many people, unless you’ve done this before, have never been through. Alex, we’ve got about a minute left. And I was wondering, we had a great conversation.
Would you mind just summarizing some of the key takeaways from our conversation this morning?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
Yeah, I mean, I think it’s important to get your team together. It’s important to not be tied to your stuff. And it’s important to have room for new tradition in your family, in your financial life, in your children’s lives, because it’s gonna be a new normal.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Yeah, very well said. Alex Jacobson, always great to see you. Thanks for joining us.
And we look forward to having you back again very soon.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Mediation Group
Thanks so much.
