Name: Good luck.
Frequency: Once every 13 years.
Appearance: An amazing conjunction of planets.
Really? Astrology in the Guardian? Is that what things have come to? Oh, I’m sorry. Too good to hear about rare and wonderful interplanetary events, are we?
Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Well, you’ll be laughing on the other side of your face soon enough, because guess what happened on Tuesday?
I don’t care. Jupiter and Neptune transitioned through Pisces, that’s what.
Oh. This is an incredibly rare conjunction. Neptune is the planet of spirituality, intuition, dreams and illusion, while Jupiter is the planet of expansion and prosperity. And Pisces is traditionally the sign of healing, spirituality and breaking through false belief systems.
I don’t know what any of this means. It means that we all stand upon the cusp of great wealth and fortune for the next few months, according to astrologers.
My energy bill literally went up by £300 a month a fortnight ago. Yes, but …
I can’t afford to fill my car with petrol, either. Yes, but the stars!
Oh, for crying out loud. OK, listen, I have proof that this is a good sign. This conjunction last happened in 1856. And that was a year of tremendous luck for the world. Also, it won’t happen again until 2188, which means this is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence for us.
What happened in 1856? The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean war! And Booker T Washington was born! And, um, the first private detective started working.
Oh, wow. I’m going to look up what else happened that year. No, no, you don’t have to do that. These three things are proof enough.
Let’s see … Britain declared war with Persia. A devastating earthquake in Crete. Hundreds of people killed by a hurricane in Louisiana. A terrible South African famine. The Pottawatomie massacre. Should I go on? Oh, cheer up.
But this is all nonsense. Honestly, who cares? We’ve all had a bad few years. Nobody said that this stuff cures everything. But it might make people a little happier for a while. Isn’t that enough?
But it isn’t scientific. Oh, for heaven’s sake. Could you not just let people believe what they want to believe for once?
No. I hate other people having fun. Typical Virgo.
Do say: “Jupiter and Neptune transitioning through Pisces might destroy false belief systems.”
Don’t say: “Like astrology.”