Even in difficult times, there is opportunity. The same is true of children leaving home. It can be a challenging time for parents, involving emotional and practical changes, but while empty nest syndrome is a particular type of loss, it is also the start of a new chapter of your life. If you approach it in the right way, it can be just as much a time for self-discovery as it is a challenge. Here are some practical and emotional steps that can help.
Remember: you’re much more than just a parent
No one is defined by only one role. This includes parents – even if they sometimes feel that they are. Having children leave home is a good opportunity to acknowledge that and to recognise all the other crucial parts you play. “Make a list of the roles you have in life that require a regular investment of time and energy – such as wife or husband, sister or brother, daughter or son, friend, neighbour, pet owner or employee,” says Dr Guy Winch, a psychologist who has given TED talks about loneliness, and hosts the mental health podcast Dear Therapists. “Go through your list and indicate which of those roles you might be able to expand. You could reinvest in relationships, refocus on your career or become more active in any community involvements you have.”
Take it a step at a time
Big changes are often easier to deal with if you tackle them slowly rather than trying to tackle a huge, complex situation in one go. The same is true of dealing with the loneliness of an empty home. “It’s definitely a good idea to take it small step by small step,” says Celia Dodd, author of The Empty Nest: Your Changing Family, Your New Direction. “A lot of people instantly cram their diaries and think: ‘Oh, I’ll keep really, really busy.’ But that can mean you’re not allowing yourself time to reflect on what’s going on. Allow yourself time to think: ‘Well, this is what I really want to do now,’ or ‘This is where I’m going to find new purpose.’”
Try to start adjusting before your kids move out
There’s no need to bottle up your plans and feelings until your children have left home. If they’re approaching the age where they’ll soon move away, try dealing with it gradually in the lead up. “The sooner we take action to address our upcoming needs, the better off we’ll be emotionally,” says Winch. “Gradually preparing over the years will make the departure easier both for our children and for us.”
Be self-indulgent
Being a parent can often mean putting your needs below those of your kids. But once they’ve moved out, their needs require much less attention – so it’s time to treat yourself. “See your mates, go out dancing, do all the things that really give you joy,” says Dodd. “It’s time to realise that maybe you’ve lost touch with how to have fun, but now you can again. You’ve spent all these years nurturing other people, now you’ve got this space to nurture yourself.”
Make financial adjustments if you need to – but don’t forget your kids
An empty home can present financial challenges as well as opportunities. You might want to consider equity release to help you draw cash from the value of your home without having to move out. Or, if you don’t need the funds to supplement your income or support your children, you could use the money tied up in your home for medium-sized projects such as home renovations.
The type of equity release offered by Aviva is called a lifetime mortgage, which is a long-term loan secured on your home. You can borrow either a one-off cash sum or opt for the flexibility of borrowing a smaller sum and setting up a reserve to draw from later. The loan and accumulated interest are usually repaid when you die or go into long-term care. A lifetime mortgage can only be taken out following advice from a qualified financial adviser, who will help you understand the benefits, costs and risks.
If your children have left home, you might want to move to a smaller, cheaper home – or take in a lodger to help pay the bills. But it’s important to factor your family into those plans. “I feel quite strongly about kids’ bedrooms,” says Dodd. “Even if you have to rent out a room, kids still need to feel welcome at home and that there’s a place for them. You just have to strike a balance.”
Remember what your kids want: your happiness
Leaving home is an exciting part of your children’s lives, but it’s unlikely they’d want it to come at the expense of your happiness. What’s more, they still need your support, so the more you can find the positives in the situation, the more you’ll be able to be there for them – and the closer a relationship you’ll be able to forge with them now they’ve moved out. “What people say – and I think this is true – is that if you’re happy, then that allows your kids to be happy,” says Dodd.
If you have a partner, talk to them
For parents who live with their partners, the time that kids leave home can be a make or break period for them as a couple. Not only does the parent/child relationship need renegotiating – so does your romantic one. “You’ve gone from seeing yourselves as part of a foursome or fivesome and then it’s back to just the two of you. A lot of people split up at this stage – silver divorce and all that,” says Dodd. “But it’s a really good opportunity to revitalise your relationship – do new stuff, be spontaneous and explore your new freedom together.”
Don’t be fooled by a positive start
For some people, having an empty nest can feel like an exciting opportunity. But even if you feel as if you’re thriving at first, that doesn’t make you immune to sadness catching up with you further down the road. “At some stage, it gets to nearly everybody. A lot of people say that they have a great first year,” says Dodd. “But then something will happen like them catching sight of a toddler on the beach and suddenly they’re overwhelmed with nostalgia. Most people feel it at some point, even if it isn’t immediate.”
Remember to take the long view
When your child leaves home, it isn’t the end of your relationship with them. It’s the beginning of phase two of your bond, which will most likely last far, far longer even than the years when you lived together. Far from an ending, it’s a new beginning. “You need to bear in mind that you’re in this for the long haul. You’ve got the rest of your lives together,” says Dodd. “There’s this very comforting thing that you need to bear in mind: your relationship with your child hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s going to be a source of great joy for years to come.”
To find out more, visit aviva.co.uk