Our favourite seasonal songs... adapted for a Covid Christmas

MISTLETOE has become the latest casualty of Christmas, with social distancing rules making a kiss beneath it a non-starter.

And without office parties and winter weddings this year, the festive plant is likely to be off most people’s seasonal wish list.

Enjoy these Covid-ified versions of festive favourites

That’s bad news for the town of Tenbury Wells, Worcs, which has cancelled its annual mistletoe auction, a tradition dating back 160 years.

It doesn’t bode well for Sir Cliff Richard’s festive ditty Mistletoe And Wine either – but it’s not the only song to feel a little out of sync with our Covid Christmas.

Here, Kate Jackson and Colin Robertson rewrite the lyrics to some festive favourites to reflect Christmas 2020.

So move over Perry Como because straight in at No10 are The Pandemics – Chris Whitty, Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock.

The Twelve Days Of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
A mild case of Covid-19
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Two latex gloves and a mild case of Covid-19
(Repeat, adding new line below each time)
Three bubbled homes
Four thousand fans
Five Yule days
Six isolators
Seven friends a-Zooming
Eight Netflix dramas
Nine neighbours grassing
Ten testers tracing
Eleven pubs a-closing
Twelve shoppers queuing

These Christmas lyrics feel more appropriate for a 2020 Christmas Credit: AFP or licensors

I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday

When the GP brings the jab
Well he just might take a stab
He’s put a great big smile on somebody’s face
If you jump into your bed
’Cos your temperature’s in the red
Don’t you lock the doors
You know test-and-tracers are on their way
Oh well, I wish it could be Christmas in January
Then the pubs start serving and the vaccine is in play
Oh, I wish it could be Christmas in January
Let the bells ring then for Christmas
It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
It’s beginning to look not a lot like Christmas
Everywhere you go
Take a look at the five plus one, it’s groupings of six again
With antibac and festive masks that glow
It’s beginning to look not a lot like Christmas
Queues at every store
But the prettiest sight to see is the vaccine that will be
When your arm goes sore

Driving Home For Christmas

Not driving home for Christmas
Oh, I won’t be seeing those faces
Not driving home for Christmas, yeah
Well I’m moving into Tier 3
And it’s been so long
And I still won’t be there
I set up a Zoom
To see Mum from far away

The health secretary has said Christmas won't be normal this year — The health secretary has said Christmas won’t be normal this yearCredit: EPA

Santa Baby

Santa baby, just keep two metres distance from me
Been an awful bad year, Santa baby
And now we can’t sit on your knee
Think of all the fun we’ve missed
Think of the people we’ve not kissed
Next year could be more of the same
Until Boris says we’re not at risk
Wonderful Christmastime
The moonshot might . . . get testing up
We’ve tracked and traced . . . It’s not enough
Simply having a quarantine Christmastime
Simply having a quarantine Christmastime

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
From the same house, so let us in the bar
At ten it’s last orders, but we’re awful dawdlers
Oh hell, is that a police car?
Mistletoe And Wine
It’s Covid time, “No mistletoe!” they whine
A socially-distanced air kiss is fine
With beer in the garden and a curfew to flee
A time to wrap up in some new PPE

Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree

Rockin’ around the virtual tree
At the Christmas office Zoom
Mistletoe hung where you can’t be
We all want to leave the room
White Christmas
I’m dreaming of a sh*te Christmas
The very worst I’ve known to date
Where we all feel awful
And Boris makes it unlawful
To do anything but isolate