Sarah Harding reveals she cries about never having children – and has branded her split from ex-fiancé Tom Crane ‘one of the biggest mistakes of my life’.
In her new book Hear Me Out, the Girls Aloud star, 39, admitted the intense chemotherapy she’s endured in a bid to fight her cancer ‘will have killed any chance’ she I might have had of becoming a mother.
The singer also branded her split from ex Tom as ‘one of the biggest mistakes of her life,’ and revealed that she’s ‘never stopped blaming herself’ for the downfall of their romance.
The couple dated for five years and got engaged during a trip to the Maldives in 2010, but he ended things six months before their planned wedding.
Heartbreaking: Sarah Harding, 39, has revealed she cries over not having children, admitting the chemotherapy she’s endured ‘will have killed any chance I might have had’
In her book, Sarah explains how she had the emotional realisation about never becoming a mother during a recent phone call with former bandmate Cheryl, 37.
She wrote: ‘I was saying how we never thought Nadine [Coyle] would be the first one of us to have a child, and that now three of them have kids.
‘It might seem odd to worry about not having children when I don’t even know how much of a life I have left, but it’s there.
‘The truth is, even if my prognosis was better, it still wouldn’t be on the cards because of all the chemotherapy I’ve had.
Reflecting: In her new book Hear Me Out, the Girls Aloud star also branded her split from ex-fiancé Tom Crane as ‘one of the biggest mistakes of my life’ (Pictured in 2011)
Realisation: In her book, Sarah explains how she had the emotional realisation about never becoming a mother during a recent phonecall with former bandmate Cheryl (Pictured in 2009)
‘That treatment, harsh as it is, will have killed any chance I might have had. It’s making me cry just thinking about it.’
Nadine, 35, is mother to daughter Anaiya; Cheryl shares son Bear, three with ex-boyfriend Liam Payne; and Kimberley Walsh, 39 – who is pregnant with her third child – is mum to sons Bobby, six, and Cole, four.
Talking about her regrets in life, Sarah explained that she ended up pushing her ex-fiancé Tom away as they endured a long distance relationship during the peak of their careers.
The singer wrote in her new book: ‘I’ve never stopped blaming myself. Losing him was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but we just couldn’t seem to find a way through the impasse.’
How times have changed: ‘I was saying how we never thought Nadine [Coyle] would be the first one of us to have a child, and that now three of them have kids’ wrote Sarah (Nadine pictured with daughter Anaiya)
The next generation: Kimberley Walsh, 39 – who is pregnant with her third child – is mum to sons Bobby, six, and Cole, four (Pictured in 2019)
Greatest love: Talking about her regrets, Sarah explained that she ended up pushing her Tom away as they endured a long distance relationship during the peak of their careers (Pictured in 2010)
Sarah recently revealed that she went public with her devastating cancer diagnosis to warn those who may be delaying doctor visits amid the COVID-19 pandemic.
After initially wanting to keep her diagnosis private, she eventually felt duty-bound to speak out and help others catch their cancer early.
She wrote: ‘There had been so much reporting on the news about people missing out on check-ups during Covid lockdown, even though they might be worried about something. People who had left a cancer diagnosis until it might be too late.
‘Maybe if I spoke out, as a public figure, a celebrity, it could help get the message across how important it is to get checked out if you have concerns.
‘The singer added: ‘As scary as it was to go public about my diagnosis, it was the right thing to do, and the amount of support I’ve received is incredible. I’ve been inundated with lovely messages from my fans. I’m grateful beyond words for that.’
Warning: Sarah Harding has revealed she went public with her devastating cancer diagnosis to warn those who may be delaying doctor visits amid the COVID-19 pandemic
Elsewhere in her book, Sarah revealed she does not know how many months she has left to live after her breast cancer spread to her spine.
She penned: ‘In December my doctor told me that the upcoming Christmas would probably be my last. I don’t want an exact prognosis. I don’t know why anyone would want that…
‘Comfort and being as pain-free as possible is what’s important to me now. I’m trying to live and enjoy every second of my life, however long it might be. I am having a glass of wine or two during all this, because it helps me relax.’
The singer added that she now wants to try and ‘enjoy’ herself as she doesn’t know ‘how many months I’ve got left’.
Struggle: Sarah (pictured in 2018) also said she put off seeing a doctor because of the COVID-19 crisis, writing that she’d been ‘in denial’ about how ‘something was very wrong’
At present, the Call The Shots hitmaker is considering her options for treatment of the secondary tumour at the base of her spine, which may now have spread to her brain.
However, she’s adamant that she doesn’t want to undergo radiotherapy and risk losing her hair, with Sarah noting that although this may sound ‘vain’, she feels that if she only has months left to live then it’s not worth it.
Her story: Sarah’s new book Hear Me Out, is out now
After Sarah competed on Popstars and landed a spot in Girls Aloud, her two-year relationship with mechanic John Turnbull didn’t survive her new-found fame.
She fell into the arms of fellow Popstars contestant Mikey Green in 2002, but within a couple of years was single again
During the years that followed she was briefly linked to the likes of footballer George Best’s son Calum and Welsh T4 presenter Steve Jones.
She also crossed romantic paths with Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband Cris Judd and dated Hollywood actor Stephen Dorff.
In 2011, DJ Tom Crane, her boyfriend of four years, proposed in the Maldives.
He ended things later that year, six months before their planned wedding.
In 2017 she won the final series of Celebrity Big Brother, but a three-month relationship with fellow housemate, U.S. reality star Chad Johnson, ended because of the long-distance nature of their relationship.
The star explained how after facing the agony of losing her breast, she doesn’t want to lose her signature blonde locks as well.
Sarah went to to say that her priority now is to spent as much time as possible with her mother and friends before she dies, while the star is also hoping to throw a huge party to say ‘goodbye’ to her loved ones.
She said: ‘I think what I’d really like to do is to see everyone – all my friends, all together. One last time. Then I’d throw a great big f*** off party as a way to say thank you and goodbye.”
She added that she wants to find joy ‘whenever and however I can’ as she poignantly noted that ‘Life has got so much smaller’.
Sarah went on to share how grateful she is to ‘wake up every day’ amid her cancer battle, as she said it has made her realise how special life is.
So sad: In the book, she wrote, ‘In December my doctor told me that the upcoming Christmas would probably be my last. I don’t want an exact prognosis’ (pictured in 2018)
She explained: ‘I’m just grateful to wake up every day and live my best life, because now I know just how precious it is . . . nothing is certain any more.’
It comes after she revealed she almost died of sepsis and had to be put in a coma for two weeks following her breast cancer diagnosis.
As Sarah looked back at the start of her journey, she said: ‘At first I thought it was just a cyst. The trouble was the pain was getting worse. It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep in a bed. Eventually my skin started to bruise. By now I was terrified.
‘One day I woke up realising I’d been in denial. Yes there was a pandemic but it was almost as if I’d been using that as an excuse not to face up to the fact that something was very wrong.’
Sarah went on to detail her experience of being put into a coma for an extended period of time, and added that she struggled to form speech even when she was taken out of it.
Sarah explained: ‘With both my lungs and kidneys failing, doctors decided to put me into an induced coma. Even once I was off the ventilator I couldn’t speak properly. All I could do was make noises like a chimpanzee trying to communicate.’
Plans: Sarah went to to say that her priority now is to spent as much time as possible with her mother and friends before she dies (pictured in 2018)