Children are loud, funny, passionate people. This we know. And while none of us go into parenting hoping our kids will fight, some teasing, squabbling and competing is normal, even expected.
Still this doesn’t make it easy to listen to, and how we react in the moment can have a significant impact on how family life unfolds.
Here at Hand in Hand, we know that when children are upset, getting that upset
out of the way is a natural smart and healthy process.
When a child has an upset, their feelings flood their brain’s limbic system. Their thinking system effectively shuts down as the feelings take over.
A child can get back into balance naturally when they offload the upset through crying, tantrums, trembling, perspiring, or laughing. And parents can support the child during this process by moving in and listening to the child with warmth and full attention.
This response has an anchoring effect that builds the safety kids need to offload, heal and move on. We show the child through our body language and a few words that we know they are good and we trust their process of healing. They work through their feelings until they reach a place that feels calmer, and they are able to think more fully and feel happy to re-engage.
This is called Staylistening, and it can be a wonderful process to see unfold. And yet, it can be difficult to listen when more than one child is upset. If one child has hurt another and both need your attention in the moment. Or, when your act of listening upsets another child who feels somehow neglected or unseen.
Words and phrases to help: Staylistening with more than one child
Conflicting feelings about who should be listened to divides our attention and leaves us muddled. And when both children seem to require so much of us our own feelings may flare and it can feel hard to keep warm and attentive.
The following ideas from Hand in Hand founder Patty Wipfler address concerns that many parents have when they have more than one child to listen to.
When children can’t agree
When both children when something a certain way, and they don’t agree at all on that way, you can get in and take charge.
Tell both of them, “OK, for 3 minutes, your brother gets it his way. Then it will be your turn to have it your way.”
Listen to each of them cry when the other child has it his way.
This going back and forth to allow for emotional release can resolve difficulties within a reasonable amount of time, because you’re not flustered or scared or tense thinking about “When is this going to be over!?”
You are the calm eye of the storm, and you value the storm going on around you.
Try it! It can be useful and liberating.
When one child has hurt another
Children don’t want to hurt others. But they do get disconnected and scared, and at those times, behaviors leap out of them that they don’t have much control over and after they’ve hurt someone, guilt erases all visible evidence of the tender heart that beats inside them.
Don’t let a distant attitude fool you. Your child aches because of what just happened, and needs a warm connection with you more than ever.
Try these words to soothe and comfort:
- “Jayden didn’t mean to hurt you. He wasn’t feeling good at that moment, but he loves you. He doesn’t want to hurt you.”
- “I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner to help you.”
- “I’m sorry I didn’t see that you were having some trouble. I want to help you when you aren’t feeling good.”
- “Oh, you are my good, good girls. Your hearts are good, through and through.”
This post has many more ideas about what you can do and say when your kids fight. Read Sibling Fighting: When You Get There Too Late
When Staylistening with one child affects another
One worry is that when one child is wailing away, and you want to Staylisten, the other child wants attention too, says Patty. “They either act out or sink into a passive state of semi-misery.”
Here are ideas you can try:
• Work on the feelings you have about seeing the child you’re not listening to go into rigid behavior, and into feeling unloved and unwanted and uncared-for.
• Give the left out child options for getting a small measure of your attention:
- “You can come and climb onto my back while Freddie is crying.”
- “If you can come over here, I’ll put one arm around you until she’s finished her big cry.”
- “He’s not going to cry forever. When he’s done, I will give you some Special Time–I’m sorry it’s hard to wait.”
- “I see you, Harper. I can’t talk much right now, but I see you, and I love you. I’ll be free soon, but I’m not sure exactly when…’
• Ask the left out child if they want to come help you listen to his sibling. “Here’s a place for you right here. Your brother would love it if you listened to him, but if you don’t want to, I am doing it. And he will recover fine, either way.”
Keep up your regular Special Time practice, and any Staylistening called for when Special Time ends. This will gradually lower the amount of un-worked-through feelings each child carries.
Words to say when children are upset at the same time
These words can reassure children, when more than one child is upset at the same time.
- “I don’t think he’s going to cry forever.”
- “I don’t think it’s going to feel this bad forever.”
- “She’s going to heal just fine.”
- “You two are going to figure out a good solution. You are smart girls.”
- “He’s going to be feeling better soon.”
- “Good feelings will come back. And I’ll stay with you until that happens.”
- “Crying gets the sad out, and the mad out. He’s doing a good job/You’re both doing a good job.”
- “It feels like a long time, I know. But I’ll be able to snuggle with you soon.”
- “Your sister loves you, but she has this work to do before she can remember that you are good. You love each other. There’s just some work to do before you can feel it again.”
- “I haven’t stopped loving you. Nothing can stop me from loving you.”
- “I see you, I see this is hard. It will be over soon, and then we can play.”
- “Thank you for waiting. It’s not easy!”
- “You both are smart. I know you can figure this out.”
Ideas to keep your perspective bright
When you’re trying to keep your perspective while both children are crying:
When crying is loud and prolonged, an issue can be holding onto the idea that both children are good and doing exactly what they need to heal and recover their equilibrium. The words you say can help you stay anchored in this perspective.
Try murmuring a mantra like, “You are good boys. I’m right here. I am with you, and you are safe.” Or “You are good. I am with you. It will be better soon…”
Gently using the same phrase can be centering for you and your children, who don’t need unique bits of information at a time of upset.
If the screaming is sharp and disruptive for you, Patty finds noise-canceling headphones or earplugs helpful.
Don’t push for apologies
Trust that your children will know how to repair the relationship. As long as you lift blame or ideas of blame out of the situation, children know exactly how to repair a relationship. Often, both children are eager for this.
“I remember one of my sons being hard on and hurting the other,” says Patty. “I listened while the one who was hurt cried, and I did not urge his brother to apologize, or anything.”
She assured the hurt one that his brother was good, that she just hadn’t intercepted in time to help,” Patty says. She told her son that his brother loved him and then let things go when the hurt one stopped crying and resumed play.
“Within a half hour, I saw the brother who had been aggressive go to the room where his younger brother was playing, and strike up a game with him, making his brother laugh. The older one figured out how to repair the relationship without a single word from me.”
“I have seen this again and again,” Patty says.
Staylistening with more than one child: final thoughts
When two or more children are upset at once it can be overwhelming. But it is possible to hear more than one child. We hope these words and phrases help when you find yourself Staylistening with more than one child and tell us how they work out for you.