THINGS change, don’t they? Back in my day it was the kids who didn’t want to go to school.
And the teachers who got really cross about them playing truant.
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In 2021, though, it’s the children who are apparently desperate to be back at their desks.
And the teachers who are, how shall I put it, a bit, y’know, reluctant.
Well, I say “the teachers”. I heard one Welsh headmistress on the radio saying how lovely it was to see the little faces of her infant pupils making their way through the school gates.
My guess is that quite a lot of ordinary teachers would feel the same way.
It’s the unions that are the problem.
There have been plenty of heroes during this pandemic.
Obviously, the frontline medical staff in our hospitals. The bus and train drivers. The brilliant British researchers breaking their necks to create a vaccine as soon as possible.
The supermarket staff and delivery drivers.
Especially the Majestic delivery driver who brings crates of alcohol to my lockdown pit. We can never thank them enough.
But there have been villains, too. And I’m afraid the teaching unions are the top of the list of baddies.
Getting our children educated is vitally important, for three reasons.
First, our kids need an education. Second, they need to be motivated and occupied. Third, getting the schools open is the key to rebooting our economy.
But at every stage the teaching unions have been not merely obstructive, but impossible to deal with.
Schools in England are due to reopen on March 8. This is a huge step forward in our battle to reclaim normality.
But the unions are screeching — again. Warning that schools will have to delay opening by two, maybe three, weeks because of the difficulties of testing pupils for Covid.
Complaining that the “big bang” return to school is “dangerous”.
Suggesting that opening all of our schools is a “reckless action” which will be “counter-productive”.
But then they have never been with the programme to get our country up and running.
They have always been diametrically opposed. The one thing the teachers shouldn’t have to do, the unions say, is teach kids.
They thwarted plans to have schools open last summer for catch-up lessons.
They moaned about virtual teaching, suggesting that Zoom calls violated their members’ privacy.
At every step of the way they have been utterly contrary to the spirit of the country.
During the first lockdown last year a lamentably small number of kids had proper, virtual lessons.
The unions even opposed opening the schools in September. And they took the opportunity to suggest that exams should be cancelled, all of them.
Meanwhile in Germany, kids were being taught, and were taking their exams, last spring.
There seems to be no realisation on the part of the two big union leaders, the ghastly Mary Bousted and Geoff Barton, how important it is to have the kids back with their friends, learning stuff.
It has been whine after whine after whine.
Never, I would suggest, has a noble profession been so demeaned in the public mind than has teaching, solely by the behaviour of its unions.
The Government has unveiled its very cautious “road map” for getting society back on its feet.
The least you might expect from the teaching unions is the cry: Yes, we will try to make this work.
Not a chance.
The last thing the unions want our teachers to do is go anywhere near a whiteboard.
Snowflakes take on Grease
LATEST thing the whining snowflakes want banned is Grease, the film musical with John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John.
They complain that it’s “misogynistic” and “a bit rapey” and “homophobic”.
I can’t stand the movie. When it came out, all the girls went off to see it while us boys stayed at home sulking.
If they’d banned it back then I’d have been happy, frankly.
But one day not too far off you’ll wake up and there will be nothing at all to watch.
Because everything is offensive.
Boris in dog house
DILYN The Downing Street Dog seems to be a quite spirited animal.
When he’s not weeing in a woman’s handbag, he’s trying to have sex with the furniture in Chequers, the Prime Minister’s retreat.
Or causing a lot of expensive damage by chewing stuff.
“Someone shoot that bloody dog,” Boris is supposed to have commented after one misdemeanour. Jokingly, maybe.
I meet dogs like Dilyn pretty much every day when I’m taking my dog for a walk.
They run and jump up at you with muddy paws. Or try to savage my dog, who is minding her own business.
“Ha, ha, ha, isn’t he a character!” The stupid owners chortle. How about you try training it, you morons?
Same goes for Boris and Carrie.
They’ve had the Jack Russell for much more than a year. It isn’t even half house-trained.
If you can’t stop a dog peeing in a handbag, how can we trust you to run the country?
Philip’s last of greats
HERE’S wishing Prince Philip a speedy recovery from whatever bug has stricken him low.
He has been in hospital for more than a week.
Obviously, at the age of 99 that’s a bit of a worry.
But I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to stay in his hospital bed, given the year the Royal Family have endured.
Andrew accused of sleeping with a 17-year-old he met through his nonce mate Jeffrey Epstein.
And that half-wit Harry simpering in his podcasts.
They don’t make royals like they used to.
Get well soon, Philip. You are one of the last of a dying breed who understand the words dignity and duty.
Leaving a stink
DURING lockdown, thousands of people descended upon Durdle Door beach in Dorset.
And they created the “greatest environmental degradation” the owners of the beach had ever witnessed.
Litter everywhere – and plenty of human poo, too.
The place’s owners – Lulworth Estate – have begged the Government to “educate” tourists.
Are there really people in this country who need to be told not to take a dump on the beach?
Lulworth blame “culturally diverse” people for the mess. Who they? Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Start charging them, Lulworth.
And call the cops next time you see people leaving crap behind them.
Mars is dust boring
THE Perseverance rover is still trundling about on the surface of Mars. Every so often sending back a message.
“Found some red dust.” And “found some more red dust”.
Also sending back impressive photos of some rocks surrounded by red dust.
This is the problem with Mars.
It just happens to be the most boring planet in the known universe.
I preferred Mars when we thought it was covered in canals. An entire planet a bit like Venice.
But the more we explore these places, the more boring they become.
There isn’t a man in the moon, there are no canals on Mars.
Just in both places, dust and rocks.
Listen up, Rishi
JUST one week after I begged the Chancellor – in this column – to extend the stamp duty holiday, for lo, it was done.
Rishi Sunak is obviously an avid Sun reader.
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My order for Rishi this week is to introduce a Covid War Bond which people can invest in to help pay off the pandemic debt.
Also, cut income tax for the lowest paid, to get people spending.
And when you’ve done that maybe you could also recognise Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, tell the Chinese to get stuffed and ban jet skis, pheasant shooting, Lycra and cats.
Chop, chop – by next Thursday, please.
WHITE schoolkids in Buffalo, New York, are being lectured on how to be, er, “less white”.
They are told that “all white people” are responsible for “systemic racism”.
They are made to feel ashamed of their own skin colour.
There’s one easy remedy. Get the hell out of Buffalo.
Move somewhere the deranged race commissars don’t exist.
Gavin Williamson says ‘incredibly low risk’ for kids and confirms staggered starts, masks and rules for schools return
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