OH LUK-Y YOU
It was hard to pick the best bit from Romelu Lukaku’s official unveiling at Chelsea, but it certainly wasn’t the 38 and a bit minutes after the scheduled 1pm start, during which the club broadcast a picture of a corner flag and the promise that a “press conference will begin shortly”, or the bit immediately after that when they suddenly cut to a mid-sentence Belgian goal-grabber and it became apparent that somebody had been snoozing. The final moment of the first act of Lukaku’s Chelsea career was a useless scuffed penalty that rolled straight at Manuel Neuer to hand Bayern Munich the 2013 European Super Pot – he was out the door within 72 hours – and here he was, nearly eight years later, arriving as he departed, with something being missed.
And then suddenly he appeared, in front of a board of sponsors’ logos, engaged in a glorified Zoom call, talking to a computer. “What is the dream,” someone asked him. “Right now,” he said. “The dream is reality now.” Sure, if you say so. Besides, though they may well have expected the press conference to start soon, the word “shortly” should never be used around someone as massive in stature and now also reputation as Lukaku. He should never “narrowly” miss the target, or be involved in games decided by “slender” margins and teams who nurse “fragile” leads.
What makes Lukaku genuinely unusual as a top-level striker is that, when he is asked to describe what he contributes to a team, he makes his role sound broadly similar to that of, say, Tess Daly in Strictly Come Dancing. “I think a lot is about communication,” he said. “I always ask people questions. I like to connect everybody, I like to make everybody feel comfortable around myself and give them confidence.”
Except, you’d have thought, Arsenal defenders. If Chelsea’s next opponents have recovered already from being duffed up by Brentford they would not have appreciated hearing the Belgian giant declare himself “fully fit” and also “double vaccinated” ahead of Sunday’s derby. “It’s going to be a tough game. We’re preparing ourselves for a battle,” he joked. He was asked to confirm which shirt he will be amply filling this season. “Can I?” he asked an off-camera minder. “Yeah, I got the No9, so I’m very happy, very fortunate.” As various wags swiftly pointed out, this is the shirt previously sported by such legendary figures as Khalid Boulahrouz, Steve Sidwell and Franco di Santo. It may well feel more daunting to its next owner.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I never thought it was going to be bad, maybe because I can’t remember the moment. I can’t remember how it felt or if there was a crash or something like that. I always felt it was like maybe an ankle injury or a knee injury and that after my recovery, I’ll be back to do what I love to do. I never thought about finishing my career or stopping playing. There was a chance of that but I was always confident I was going to return” – Wolves’ Raúl Jiménez on how he came back from the head injury at Arsenal that doctors said he was lucky to survive.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: constructing amusing headlines that have never seen the light of day due to events not unfolding as the might have wished (Fiver letters passim); back in the late 1980s my club (Yeovil Town) had a defender named Denny Mundee. In the FA Cup second round we’d drawn with Torquay and the draw for the third round was made before the replay and the winners would play Sheffield Wednesday. We were hoping that Denny Mundee had a slight injury. The headline could then read: ‘Mundee fit for Wednesday on Saturday’ … but we lost the replay” – Barrie David (any relation to Craig? – Fiver Ed).
“While British holidaymakers face chaos when it comes to travelling abroad, it’s reassuring that the Fun & Games in South America Department encountered no such restrictions, and have made the most of it to rock up in Turkey” – Ed Taylor.
“Just thinking that maybe The Fiver should be replaced with just the David Squires tableau. We’d get better info and then have something to colour in afterwards” –James Boyle.
“Before you give away more prize copies of ‘The Hard Yards … the Championship, Football’s Toughest League’, may I suggest you include my appendix to the volume in which I demonstrate that for Fulham the Premier League tends to be somewhat tougher than the Championship” – Hanford Woods.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner is Hanford Woods, who gets a copy of The Hard Yards: A Season in the Championship, Football’s Toughest League by Nige Tassell. It’s available in hardback from 19 August and we have more to give away.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Arsenal are close to agreeing a fee of around £34m with Real Madrid for Martin Ødegaard, with the playmaker set to sign up for five years of carrying the club’s hopes on his slender shoulders.
Manchester City have only gone and flamin’ signed Australia forward Hayley Raso from Everton. “It’s an opportunity I couldn’t turn down,” cheered Raso.
Arsenal will face either PSV or Lokomotiv Moscow in the final of Women’s Big Cup Round One after walloping Okzhetpes 4-0.
And Cristiano Ronaldo has tried to douse transfer speculation linking him with a move away from Juventus by issuing a statement so vague its natural home is in The Fiver. “Less talk and more action, this has been my guiding motto since the start of my career,” he blathered. “In view of everything that’s been said and written recently, I have to set out my position … the frivolous way that my future is covered in the media is disrespectful to all the clubs involved in these rumours.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Is it any surprise that Manchester United thrashed Leeds on Saturday when you look at the club’s respective wage bills, asks floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Manchester United ace Mason Greenwood is making a good case to lead the line at Old Trafford, opines Josh Wright.
After Cristiano Ronaldo decried the rampant speculation regarding his Juventus future (see above), the Rumour Mill duly doubled down on unsubstantiated stories linking him with miscellaneous clubs.
Which international player has the best strike rate against a single team? Boost your sports pub quizzing ability by absorbing this week’s The Knowledge.
Bobby Kasanga set up Hackney Wick FC to bring a community together – it now boasts around 20 teams and a powerful ethos, writes Nick Ames.
Catch up with the latest moves in our women’s and men’s transfer interactives.
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