Kids have so much to manage during the school year. Social pressures, schoolwork and the myriad activities before and after school, like sports, music and clubs, are all sources of big emotions and confusing behaviors.
On top of this, many are dealing with depression, anxiety and other mental health challenges. Three out of four high school students say they feel stress throughout the school year, and 50 percent of middle school students say the same. Emotional distress often fuels depression and anxiety; 20 to 30 percent of youth say they feel these at any given time. For a lot of kids, summer isn’t a break just from academics but from all the other stressors that can challenge their well-being. Routine is just as important during the summer as during the school year, but making space for downtime gives parents a golden opportunity to build stronger relationships with their children so they can be more self-aware, more capable, and ready to meet the new school year in confidence. Here are some tips to open those lines of communication, to use curiosity to learn more about what your child is feeling and experiencing and to create a deeper bond. That being said, if your child is showing signs of self-harm or suicidality, call 988; or reach out to your local National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) chapter for more specialized help.
Stay Calm during Meltdowns
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Say your teen wants to go out with friends, but they’ll be out too late for your comfort. If they have an outburst—“You never let me go out with my friends! It’s like you don’t care how this makes me feel!”—it’s easy to jump into the argument: “Of course I care about you. You’ll be out too late. You can’t go. That’s final.” Take a deep breath. Don’t take the jab personally. Reflect on their feelings and offer an alternative: “You are upset because you can’t go out with your friends, and I understand this is difficult for you. But we both agreed that staying out past 10 P.M. won’t work, so can we come up with an alternative, so that you get to see them and be home at a time we can agree on?” Or: “I see how much you want to go out with your friends. Can you help me understand why this outing is particularly important?”
Our emotions can affect our interactions with our children, so when you have a moment, ask yourself, what past experiences might have influenced my reaction to my child? What am I feeling and can I name those feelings in conversation with my child? What fears do I have that might lead me to react strongly and be less supportive to my child?
Listen Actively when They Talk
Active listening is important in communicating with our children. We aren’t just hearing their words, but noticing body language, the words they use, positive and negative behaviors, and any other signs that they might be struggling to find the right words.
Say your child is struggling to go to school: “I hate it. Everyone makes fun of me.”
What else are they doing? Fidgeting with their shirt? Looking away? Possibly fighting back tears? These are signs of anxiety, distress and possibly avoidance. This is another great opportunity to reflect, but also to use their physical responses to guide your answers. “School was hard this year and you’re having trouble finding the words to describe it. You don’t feel safe and comfortable there. Let’s work together to figure out how to make it safer.”
Active listening does not mean you agree with or condone the thoughts or behaviors of the other person, but rather you are trying to understand their viewpoints and the underlying values and emotions tied to those views.
Beyond more simple reflections are ones that explore what your child means or what they are feeling—maybe you suggest that their distress about not being able to go out with their friends is rooted in the insecurity that they won’t get invited next time. Either way, when you take the time to listen actively, you show your kid that you won’t shut down their feelings and that if they open up more, you can begin to understand the underlying values and thoughts that drive their actions and reactions.
Check in Regularly
We tend to check in with our children when they are feeling something negative—distress, anxiety, sadness, pain—but finding time to make conversation when things are good, when emotions are low, helps meet their need for social connection and positive attention. It’s hard, because when our kids seem okay, it feels like a mental vacation from the tougher work of parenting, but asking them how things are going when everything seems to be going well can be an effective tool for connection, for being present and showing that you see them in all their moods. Plus, it can be great insight into what might cause those negative feelings and behaviors down the road.
Doing this can be as simple as an impromptu ice cream one afternoon, a quick bedside chat before saying goodnight, or noticing a positive emotion: “What’s behind that smile? What’s making you feel good right now?” Sometimes, the best way to reach your kid is to remind them that you notice what’s different when you have a chance to talk to them. “You’ve been in your room a lot lately. What’s going on? I’m always here to talk when you are ready.”
It is important to provide attention to your child when they are not in distress or demonstrating concerning behaviors. This is challenging for many parents. We are all busy and when there is low expressed emotion or no behavior concerns with our children, it is our time as parents to take a mental vacation from the hard work of parenting. This, however, is exactly the time caregivers should be paying attention.
Furthermore, structure, routine and predictable schedules are not just ways for parents to keep track of the hectic schedules of their children, but also have been demonstrated to improve sleep, physical health, mood, anxiety and academic success. The summer is a perfect time to partner with your child to share in determining what responsibilities and necessary activities need to be established, and also to make sure that they have activities that are meaningful to them.
Allow Kids to Express Their Emotions
Our kids will make mistakes, show distress, have unhelpful reactions to situations, or disagree with our advice. Embrace this; these displays serve as a great opportunity to discuss, collaboratively problem solve, and practice health coping strategies—when things are a little calmer. After strong emotions and responses, give kids a brief break in a safe space before diving in.
Ask them to label their emotions. Reflect and check for others.
“Thank you for letting me know you are feeling scared, is there anything else you are feeling right now?”
Use a number scale or “thermometer” to help them explain the intensity of their feelings and add comparisons that the kid will understand. For a kid who likes football, a 10 might be the feeling when their team wins, and a 1 when they lose to a bitter rival. Once you understand those feelings, help them with a couple of coping skills—deep breathing, things that relax them, a calming activity. And use them yourself; model the behavior you want your kid to adopt.
One thing we use therapeutically to encourage coping is the STOP method.
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Stop what you are doing when you are feeling a strong emotion
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Take a break from the situation
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Observe how you are feeling and what you are thinking
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Plan/proceed to use a skill
Ultimately, parenting is challenging and it will never be perfect, but by taking the time this summer to reflect on the year, incorporate new skills and strategies to improve your interactions with your child, and practice those habits, you’ll be able to help your child with emotional regulation and navigation of stressors before the start of the school year next fall. Most importantly, you have great intuition and know your child in a way that no one else does, so have fun, be curious and express your love by offering a safe and supportive space for your child to share, process and thrive.
IF YOU NEED HELP
If you or someone you know is struggling or having thoughts of suicide, help is available. Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or use the online Lifeline Chat.
