Why the celebration? Because the world is bleak and cake for breakfast is the kind of crumb that can be counted on. Unless of course it’s the hastily wrapped in cellophane sort, sitting somber on the counter of a nameless bakery in a Midwest airport at 7 PM. That muffin is capable of passing on a big bad bout of existential dread.
You deserve better.
You also deserve to eat the kind of muffin that gets you, a fluffy metaphor for your own self hood. That’s where astrology comes in my babies. Below you will find a list of the zodiac signs as muffins. Fresh out the tin, from me to you.
Read on, eat up.
Being with an Aries is akin to driving very fast down a heavily potholed road and the English muffin, with its nooks and crannies, is the golden baked representation of that experience. Add to the dough that Samuel B. Thomas, who brought Americans, whether we dissenters deserved it or not, the English muffin in the 19th century, was a card carrying Aries. This cardinal fire sign is the provocateur of the zodiac, a fact made evident in native Miranda Kerr who sent gluten free apology muffins to her neighbors, a gesture of grace or an act of war depending on the recipient.
Chocolate chip muffins
Representing team Taurus in all its gluttonous glory is Tori Spelling. Indulgent to the hilt, Taurus is the sign that considers oral sex cardio, creamed spinach a salad and Entemann’s packaged mini muffins to be a health food. Spelling argues that the absence of high fructose corn syrup equates to nutritional value. Just because the cocaine isn’t cut with boric acid doesn’t make its a vitamin, folks.
Coffee cake muffins
You know what pairs well with coffee? These muffins, ceaseless chatter, curiosity, talking s**t and taking one. Coffee and any other stimulant equate to the drug of choice for Geminis who shares a deep affinity with heavy caffeination and whose ADHD runs the gamut from adorable to jarring, keen multi tasking to energetic scattershot. Gemini folk are aces at communication, the written word, the tweeted thought and sending theri sentiments, a point made by Gemini Lionel Richie who once gifted Dave Grohl a motherlode of muffins as a get well offering.
Cancer is a moody motherf***er, prone to singing the blues and eating their feels, a combination made carbohydrate manifest in the blueberry muffin. These are the tin offering of choice for Cancer comedian (sad clowns abound with this lot) Mindy Kaling who, disappointed by the lack of berries and inexplicable addition of sanding sugar in store bought varieties, made a home bound batch, apropos for a sign that would prefer to never leave the house.
Leo is represented by the lion, known colloquially as the king of the jungle, a misnomer as lions prefer a savannah, scrub or grassland environment but whatevs. The lion king, the head honcho, el jefe or top banana if you will, all apply to the stately Leo who prefers to call the shots, curry the favor and energetically ‘top’ in any and all situations. Consequently, any banana based varietal; banana blueberry, banana nut, banana chocolate chip, pick your poison, can be the metaphorical muffin of the lion pride.
Apple cinnamon muffins
In the major arcana of the tarot, Virgo is represented by the Hermit card, symbolizing a sage that retreats from the world into the wilderness to bring humanity the knowledge and cures it needs. I would argue that apple picking, snake loving Eve was following the same rough loose itinerary and was also, most definitely, a Virgo, same love for nudity and terrible taste in partners. Apropos of this, the fruit of knowledge, baked with anti-inflammatory cinnamon, part health, part hedonism, is Virgo energy personified.
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
Pumpkin chocolate chip muffins
Pumped up on decadence and autumnal attitude, the pumpkin chocolate chip muffin is kindred to this cardinal air sign. If Libra were a latent member of the Spice Girls it would invariably be Pumpkin Spice. Wildly popular, and easy to enjoy, they go down easy, accessorize for the season, smell expensive and are ever trying to marry into money.
Cranberry orange muffins
Cranberries and their blood clot coloring are associated with the planet Mars, the ancient ruler of Scorpio and the fruit is harvested during the season of the scorpion. Further, Scorpio rules the genitalia and cranberries are a common cure for UTIs. Both citrus and cranberry have medicinal properties and Scorpio at its apex expression is the sign of deep transformation and utmost healing.
Sagittarius is born to aim high, travel far and seek wisdom along the way. In kind, cornmeal was introduced to the European settlers by indigenous American tribes who had been roasting, dying and grinding corn for centuries. The sustenance proved salvation to the ill prepared colonists and cornmeal has been an American staple forevermore. Because cornbread is built for travel, folks started calling it a journey cake which was later bastardized into Johnny cake and one of my favorite archers of all time is a sailor with a face tattoo named Jonny, so there you have it. Also, the weed dealing, law evading Cornbread Mafia for sure counts a Sag among its ranks.
Ruled as they are by Saturn, the mean dad planet of restriction, punitive damages and flossing, Capricorns are prone to suffer from a punishing need to be practical and an utter lack of whimsy. Enter the bran muffin, the embodiment of the Cap daddy ethos of it might not taste good but its good for you.
The age of Aquarius, in song and sentiment is associated with long hair, high times, bare feet and LSD. The hippie counterculture also gave rise to the popularity of vegetable forward bread stuffs like zucchini muffins. Far out and right on target for the rabble rousing, future focused, a**, grass or gas to travel on my starship feeling of Aquarius.
Lemon poppy seed muffin
Pisces are the drug muffins of the zodiac, ever the hopeful romantics, they believe in the ability of love to turn a lemon, IE their philandering trash monster ex, into a dream partner, or lemonade. Poppy seeds can also make you piss hot on a drug test and Pisces is associated with opiates, altered states and the gossamer veil between worlds, dreams and Catholic confessionals.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.