Recent cuts across the federal government have raised questions about whether President Donald Trump’s administration will aim to dismantle and privatize the National Weather Service, part of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.
Project 2025, a 922-page blueprint of policy proposals published during the presidential campaign and intended to guide the Trump administration should it win a second term contained language suggesting that NOAA “should be broken up and downsized” and that the NWS “should fully commercialize its forecasting operations.”
Are you bored with routine skydiving? Does the survival rate of base jumping strike you as excessively high? Then I have great news for you: You’ll soon have the opportunity to cosplay as a scientist inside the world’s most dangerous storms.
The NOAA Hurricane Hunters have been sold to private venture capital firm Kickass Planetary Adventures, according to an April 1 announcement.
In a press release, NOAA spokeswoman April Furst said:
“Kickass Planetary Adventures will offer commercial hurricane hunter flights that take thrill-seeking weather enthusiasts into the eye of a hurricane to see first-hand these incredible spectacles of nature. The money from the paying customers will finance these expensive flights, and the clients will replace the hurricane scientists who used to perform onboard data collection and write the subsequent research papers.”
“After each mission, the customers will be responsible for using AI to write the research papers that we used to have to pay hurricane scientists to write, generating huge cost savings,” Furst added. “After all, it’s so much cheaper to use artificial intelligence than actual human intelligence to do scientific research, with little drop-off in research quality.”
Further cost savings will be generated by launching fewer remote probes during missions, Furst said. Each expendable dropsonde launched into a hurricane costs about $1,500, and it is common to launch six or more dropsondes during a mission.
But under the new venture, KPA’s clients will be outfitted with custom hurricane-proof parachutes and be launched into the hurricane — through a specially modified tube in the bottom of the aircraft — for the ultimate thrill-seeking experience. As they fall through the storm, these intrepid storm enthusiasts will carry an instrument package to radio back detailed weather information.
When the client hits the ocean, a custom-designed SurvivaBall will deploy, allowing them to safely experience the fury of the hurricane in the water while continuing to radio back critical weather data. The new SurvivaBalls will be based on the older Model X7 SurvivaBall, which was developed to provide a self-contained living system for surviving climate-change-fueled extreme weather. The Model X7 SurvivaBall motto: “While others look to Senate bills or U.N. accords for a climate solution, we look to our best engineers.”
Maybelline to sponsor hurricane eye flights in 2025
To generate additional revenue, the KPA Hurricane Hunters will have a corporate sponsor: eye makeup manufacturer Maybelline, which outbid eyedrop manufacturer Visine for exclusive sponsorship.
In a press release, Maybelline president David Greenwash said, “Maybelline’s sponsorship of hurricane eye flights is a perfect public-private partnership blend. From Maybelline’s perspective, what better way to draw attention to the power and beauty of eye makeup than to advertise Maybelline products from inside one of the most powerful and impressive eyes on the planet — the center of a mighty hurricanus maximus?”
The sponsorship will also allow Maybelline to insert plugs for their products in the Vortex data messages that the aircraft transmit each time they penetrate the eye of a storm. A sample of Maybelline’s new “Item V” in a hurricane hunter Vortex message is shown below:
URNT12 KWBC 152206
VORTEX DATA MESSAGE AL092025
A. 15/21:37:14Z
B. 29.18 deg N 078.00 deg W
C. 700 MB 3020 m
D. EXTRAP 988 mb
E. NA
F. OPEN E
G. C32
H. 47 kt
I. 248 deg 35 nm 21:28:33Z
J. 345 deg 55 kt
K. 248 deg 33 nm 21:29:07Z
L. 53 kt
M. 068 deg 27 nm 21:43:46Z
N. 166 deg 56 kt
O. 068 deg 23 nm 21:42:39Z
P. 13 C / 3058 m
Q. 15 C / 3058 m
R. 7 C / NA
S. 12345 / 7
T. 0.01 / 2 nm
U. KPA2 0909A HUMBERTO OB 03
V. ADD A SUBTLE SHIMMER OR DARE TO GO BOLD WITH A FULL GLITTER USING MAYBELLINE EYE SHADOW
The new “Item V” enhancements will be included for hurricanes with both male and female names.
“We want to encourage people of all genders to experiment with Maybelline makeup,” Maybelline president Greenwash said.
Happy April Fool’s Day!
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